“A closed mouth gathers no foot.”

  • “When are you having another baby?”  When people ask you this right after birth you want to cry.  When they ask you a year after birth you feel like you’re being pressured.  When they ask you two years after birth you want to punch them in the labia.
  • “I’m so surprised your baby didn’t get (eye color, eye shape, hair color, hair style, freckles, moles, temperament, nailbeds, bellybutton, left ear, third toe, etc. Everyone knows that no one knows what a baby is going to look like when they come out.  You are just as surprised as everyone else.  Almost 2 years later and I’m still being asked: “Why didn’t Miss P get your red hair?”  This will likely be my answer the next time this happens: “We planned it that way to spare her a lifetime of idiotic carrot-top/fire crotch/ stepchild jokes. Duh”
  • “Your baby is beautiful.  Does she look like your husband?” 
  • “How long did you breastfeed for?”  Hey Boob-Police…no one invited you.
  • “When are you due?” And/or “Congrats on your pregnancy!” A woman MUST confirm pregnancy first before you utter these words.  The only other option here is to witness a baby coming out of her vagina. Then by all means congratulate her.
  • “Blah, Blah, Blah, Work.”  Never ask a new mom her plans for going back to work, if she’s heard from work, who is filling in for her at work, how long she has for maternity leave from work, or anything remotely related whatsoever to the notion of work.  It’s too overwhelming and emotional of a topic to talk about.
  • “You look tired.”  Thank you Captain Obvious.
  • “Did you deliver naturally?”  I so badly want to respond: “No I did not delivery naturally, the baby came out of my Anus.”  If you MUST know whether or not a woman took pain medication during her delivery it’s a three step process: 
    1. Ask yourself why you care.  
    2. Ask the question without a tone (you know who you are.) 
    3. Never judge the response.  
  • “Did you plan the pregnancy?”  You would not believe how common this question is from normal, smart people.  Here’s a couple of ways you could answer it: “Yes, we were banging like jackrabbits planning this kid, thanks for asking!”  Or, “No we didn’t…BUMMER, huh?”
  • “Are you sure you’re not carrying twins?”   Here’s what to do if someone asks you this: Take the foot of that someone, place directly in that someone’s mouth; preferably with shoe on. 

Got more?  Tell me!

Photo credit katydoyle.com

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