Sometimes I wish we could just shorten pregnancy to three months.  More specifically… the three months in the middle…

I could handle that; the nine (really 10) months feels more like a jail sentence.  Some women say they love being pregnant.  This used to baffle me but lately I’ve come up with a theory:  You get a ton of attention when you’re pregnant.  People (even strangers) take a huge interest in the way you’re feeling, the way you look, what you wear, how you walk, what you’re eating, you get the point.  I guess some women like that kind of attention.  I can’t stand it.  I miss normal conversation when I’m pregnant.  Here’s a list of my first trimester pregnancy week by week dislikes:

  • Restrictions.  I don’t do well when I’m restricted.  I love my freedom.  And I love red wine.  I don’t care what anyone says or if you think I belong in AA, weddings are not fun without booze.  Neither are vacations.  Or holidays.  Or summer. Or cooking.  Or…well, life.  
  • “Morning” Sickness.  Worst name for a condition ever.  Can we please just start calling it All Day Sickness?  I equate this feeling to taking a multivitamin on an empty stomach.  Or being really hungover without the fun memories from the night before.  
  • Cravings.  There is an age old argument that cravings don’t really happen.  Whoever agrees with this has obviously never been pregnant and also I’d like to punch them in the ribs.  Mmmm McRibs.  All I want is Mac N Cheese for breakfast lunch and dinner and I want to follow that up with gummy candy until my teeth fall out of my head.  If I can’t get access to Mac N Cheese and gummy candy I’ll feel sick…just like I’ll feel if I do have access and consume them.  There is no winning here.      
  • Work-Outs.  I normally like to run to stay fit.  But I can’t run when I’m pregnant because I feel like my uterus is going to fall out of my Vajay.  So I walk fast instead but then it feels like I have to pee every 5 steps.  I’ll run into a business to go and 3 drops come out.  It’s like I lose all muscle control when I move past a leisurely pace.   
  • Body Changes (Are You There God?  It’s Me, Margaret.)   I don’t mean like that.  Actually the no-period thing is pretty awesome.  But before your belly pops it just looks like you let yourself go.  You get all doughy and flabby before the hard “bun” shows.  This is especially challenging for me because I own a yoga studio and I’m constantly in tight lycra.  You’re not big enough for maternity waist bands in the first trimester; they hang weird unless you’re in your second and third trimester.  And you’re still in the closet about your news so you can’t even defend the new jiggle around your middle.  
  • Extreme Tiredness.  I honestly believe that you should be able to quit your job during the first three months of pregnancy because this initial gestation is, in itself, a full time job.
  • Being A Certified Crazy Person.  The other night I was sitting with my family at a Mexican restaurant.  I was really excited to eat a plate of wet, juicy cheese piled over a tortilla filled with rice, guacamole and sour cream (aka an Enchilada.)  In my haste, I ordered the Empanadas.  I took one bite of the dry dough full of dry meat and burst into tears at the table.  I was uncontrollable.  Then I started laughing hysterically (tears still streaming down my face) at how ridiculous my outburst was.  I don’t think I will ever live that scene down…

Up Next: Misadventures in Mommyhood: Tales of Conception

Tune in every other Monday for more misadventures in mommyhood!

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